Story Or Series Title: The after life of the party
Fandom: Harry Potter with a good dose of modern idiocy
Author's Name: vivaciousinsaneslytherinheiress (...You have to be insane to type that out more than once)
Full Name (plus titles if any): Bellatrix Lestrange, Alecto Carrow (a.k.a. Ale, though the author tells us it's pronounced Ali...)
Full Species(es): Canonicus bastardo
Hair Color (include adjectives): Bellatrix has jet black hair; Ale has curly honey-colored hair
Eye Color (include adjectives): Not mentioned
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Death Eater marks?
Special Possessions (if any): Cell phones! Limos! Karaoke machines! Oh my!
Annoying Origin: One of them is Bellatrix Lestrange, the other is some vapid Death Eater pal of hers that was mentioned once and never elaborated upon
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: They're both canon, but horribly, horribly mangled
Annoying Special Abilities: Moronic Death Eaters Karaoke Contest. Costs 3 mana and your mortal soul.
Other Annoying Traits: The author's lack of punctuation is egregious.
I knew what I was getting into when I read this lovely description:
"They love being evil and rich, see what happens when the death eater sare off work. from hot tubbing in limo's to going to movie premier parties to tanning on beaches in barcelona. because when you have your best friends with you anything can happen"
What is this, Laguna Beach? How do you go hot tubbing in a limo? Why is Baby Jesus crying?
My snarky comments are here
The beginning is nothing but pure and unfiltered crap. Observe:
1. A young, slender woman with jet black hair walked outside a star bucks Café, another woman with curly honey-colored hair followed and was trying desperately to ignore what the first was saying to her.
“- I’m serious Ale, (like Ali) he likes you I can tell.”
“Bella, listen to me Avery does not like me that way, I’ve known him my whole life he’s like another older brother.”
“But your, you know twins” Bella said, confused
“He’s older,” Alecto Carrow informed her, “by four minutes”
“Whatever, I still know he likes you”
“Shut up and drink your frappachino”
Alecto sighed; she and Bella were best friends since they were the only girl death eaters, but sometimes she and Bella disagreed, like now.
First of all, Starbucks, not star bucks, is NOT a cafe. They serve some sandwiches and baked goods, but a cafe is generally defined as having a full menu of food. And it's a fucking FRAPPUCCINO. Yes, it is Italian. Yes, Italian words are difficult to pronounce. However, NO, it is not difficult to look up the proper spelling of a word. Word's Spell Check won't have Frappuccino, so that means *gasp* searching the Internet! Frappuccino is my favorite drink and I've mentioned it in stories before, so to make sure I had the spelling right, I went to Starbucks' actual website. There it was! It wasn't hard to find.
Note the lack of punctuation at all after the first 3 sentences. WHY?
2. Here's the bit directly proceeding the above part there:
Bella decided to change the subject “so what are you singing in the contest?”
“Unwritten,” she replied “you?”
“One day I’ll fly away” and Cissy’s doing ‘sparkling diamonds’
“What about Draco? Knowing him he’ll be doing “curse of curves” Alecto asked
“Of course and the guys are doing ‘thanks for the memories’
‘And for the solos ro’s doing ‘I write sins not tragedies’
And Rab’s doing ‘somewhere down in fuller-’
I am an arms dealer
Fitting you with a-
Bella grabbed her phone “hello?”
Yes, yes we’ll be their soon ok bye.”
“Voldemort wants us there in five minutes”
And she and Ale Apparreted to riddle manor”
So the Death Eaters are going to have a karaoke/American Idol contest? What the fuck? By the way, the two lines "I am an arms dealer fitting you with a-" denote Bellatrix's phone ringing (I guess it's from some song, but I don't know which one). Cell phone alert! "There/there" alert! Apparreted? Schiggity-schwhat is that supposed to be?
3. Voldemort clapped his hands together “welcome friends to our annual talent contest, first put your hands together for Antonin Dolohov doing Dirty little secret by all American rejects!”
Dolohov walked on stage and began to sing
This is followed by the ENTIRE song, thoughtfully copied and pasted in, with correct spelling and italics to denote the fact that the author just copy-pasted from azlyrics.com or somewhere. Draco also "sings" the entire song "Curse of Curves," which I had no idea even existed until now. I bet you can guess that "the guys" (Ro, Rab, Rosier, and Lucius) also sing the entirety of their song. Avery then sings "My Love" for Ale. And then everyone who was reading the fanfic hangs themselves from the sheer cheesiness.
4. Alecto ran on stage into Avery’s arms “I love you too” she whispered.
Avery smiled at her “good cause that song was totally true. He bowed and reached into a pocket.
“This ring here represents my heart and there’s just one thing in need from you, say-
Bella and cissy ran on stage, they all met in one huge hug.
“This is great!” they both squeeled
She laughed “guys wait, first things first, what do we sing for our finale?”
They all looked at each other “Come what may!” they shouted
Bella, narcissa, and Ale went on stage “Ya’ll thanks so much for that song, and now this is for you.” Alecto said
Worst. Proposal. Ever. I love how Avery reaches into a pocket, not his pocket--conjures up images of him digging around in Lucius's pocket for the ring or something. Then Bellatrix, Narcissa, and Alecto, three of the most hardened criminals in the wizarding world, all squeal and hug each other. Are they Death Eaters or vapid 16-year-olds? Also, it annoys me so much when people type y'all incorrectly. The apostrophe removes the o and u from you all, creating a contraction: y'all. Not ya'll. I'm from the South, so I'm used to saying/typing y'all. BUT! I know how to spell it right, der der.
And then the first chapter ends with a song from High School Musical that EVERYONE sings together. I am not kidding about any of this, although I do dearly wish that this was a cruel, cruel joke.
Second chapter now! It's just as bad as the first, but this one doesn't have songs in it, thankfully.
1. Ch.2 summer fun.
A week after the show everyone was sitting in Alecto’s room discussing wedding plans.
“You know you’d think people would have better things to talk about, Ale said as she flipped through the daily profit
2. “OH RIGHT! She answered, still in the unnaturally loud voice, “I CAN USE MAGIC ISN”T THAT SO COOL!?!?
She grabbed her stomach, laughing hysterically, rocking back and forth.
“I’m scared.” Narcissa said flatly
Suddenly Alecto leaned up her face close to Cissy’s a wicked grin on her face “Ha-ha,” she whispered “hahaha guess whet? I see dead people.”
Bellatrix jumped up and pulled her sister back “I think she’s gonna eat you!”
15 minutes and many screams later Alecto returned too her normal state.
"She" is Alecto, and "she" is a moron. What the hell is wrong with her?
3. “OK, Bella I hope you don’t mind but I invited some people over.”
Bella frowned, who did you invite/”
“Sirius, remus, and tonks,” she replied
“I hate you.”
5 hours and several attempted suicides later the 3 of them arrived
“Crap”, Bella thought,” they’re here; maybe if I close my eyes they’ll disappear.”
She scrunched her face up in a weird way.
“Um, Bella what are you doing,” asked her cousin Sirius’s voice.
She looked up, “Praying, she answered saying the first thing that came to mind, “and here you are, you answer my prayers.”
Since when would Sirius, Remus, and Tonks want to hang out with these insane women? First of all, they're Death Eaters, whereas Sirius 'n Pals fight for the side of good and sparkly unicorns and puppies and all of that. If I were them, I would think that a hysterical thing like Alecto suddenly calling and being like "Sup wanna hang out?" would be INCREDIBLY suspect, but I think the author just didn't take that into account. I also love the attempted suicides thing. Writing a stupid transition thing like that removes the author from actually having to have talent!
4. “So,” said tonks, breaking the ice, “just had a brilliant beyond brilliant idea.”
Everyone groaned, Tonks had these “brilliant ideas,” regularly now. Much to every ones enjoyment.
“ what now?” Bella cried exasperatedly
“Ok so I was thinking’, since it is July and like 90 kazillion bajillion extillion umptillion degrees outside, I was thinking- pause for dramatic effect- “we should go swimming.”
“For once the child makes since.” Thought Bella.
“ PERFECT!” Ale screamed, jumping to her feet
“You know” Narcissa said pondering, “If we do go swimming, then that means first.”
Tonks nodded, smiling.
“Then that mean we’ll have to go…”
Everyone screamed “SHOPPING!!!!1!!!”
OMIGOD NO WAI! SHOPPIN! LET'S GET SOME SHOES! LOL! Seriously, when did these Death Eaters PLUS Sirius 'n Pals (it says everyone in the room screamed) turn into teenagers again? "Kazillion bajillion extillion umptillion"--I think I would Avada Kedavra the fuck out of Tonks for talking like that. How annoying.
5. 1 hour later the girls had called the guys to meet them at the beach, and were now at the mall getting swim suits.
Bella stopped to admire herself; she was wearing a white halter-top bikini, with the strings coming out of a circle pendent, and laced with black embroidery, and a matching bottoms.
“Ale, what do you think of this?” she asked
Alecto, who was wearing a three- strap red bikini with a mini skirt, turned to look at Bella.
“You look- whoa!”
Narcissa and Tonks mean while were still getting dressed.
“Tonks, that looks so fabby- lous. On you, you should get.” Narcissa said.
“Really,” asked tonks, looking in mirror at the black shoulder- strap bikini top she was wearing, and the matching black shorts.
“Of course, darling.” She purred, glancing at the mirror “what do you think of this?” She indicated the turquoise blue strapless tankini and wrap she was wearing.
“Tres magnifigue.” Tonks thrilled in French.
After the girls paid for their clothes they went outside to wait for the guys to pick them up.
Liek omg Tonks that looks so fabby-lous! It's too bad you're an Auror and we're Death Eaters and that makes us SWORN ENEMIES FOREVER AND EVER, not "BFFs!"
Where does the third strap on Alecto's bikini go? This is a cause for great concern.
6. “They said it was ‘A surprise’.” Her eyes widened suddenly as she pointed a shaking finger down the road “Holy Crap, a convertible Porsche stretch limo!”
And a few minutes later the limo pulled up in front of them, Ro grinned from the back seat. “So, ladies, what’re you waitin’ for, get in.”
The girls hopped in and they drove away to the beach. “So, how’d ya’ll pull this off ?” tonls asked Remus
He laughed “it was basically snivellus and Avery.”
“So basically snape went all “5 jazzilion points from Gryffindor if you don’t give me the goddamn limo.’”
Avery smiled “ yeah but, there was a little deal”,- he gestured up front- “he had to drive.”
Every one looked to the front and sure enough snape was bitterly sitting in the front seat driving.
“Snapey,” Tonks teased, “Put this CD in and turn it to number 7.”
Snape grabbed a CD from her “‘Best Damn thing?’ ” he read aloud. He put the CD in the player. Soon a blasting song filled the car.
Yeah, that's believable. "5 jazzilion points from Gryffindor if you don't give me the goddamn limo." And then the guy at the limo rental place called the friendly men in white suits to take them away. Once again, I must ask why the HELL everyone is acting so cheerful and civil to each other! It's annoying the shit out of me!
OH NO. NO. NO. PLEASE. IF THERE IS A GOD IN THIS WORLD, THEN THE SONG THAT I THINK IS ABOUT TO PLAY WILL NOT PLAY. OH GOD NO
7. Hey, hey, you, you
I don't like your girlfriend
No way, no way
I think you need a new one
Hey, hey, you, you
I could be your girlfriend
I don't believe it's true. And then guess what? The rest of the fic is just all the words to this song, the most idiotic thing I've ever heard from Avril Lavigne's mouth, followed by a little epilogue.
Epilogue: “You hate me, don’t you?” Snape asked
“No, Snivellus, we love the fact that you’re the evil, lying, murderous git you always will be.” Said Lupin sarcastically.
“And you’re still the same annoying werewolf.”
This part is approaching canon...well, barely approaching, but approaching nonetheless compared to the rest of this fic.